I'll see you in Hellsing
by Black the Ripper
Summary: Warning: I am not liable for any dismemberments, decapitations, or otherwise loss of life of any idiot who actually tries this stuff at home. A satirical tale that pokes fun at sues, pop culture, itself, and other writing clichés. Welcome to Hell!
1. Authors Note, Prologue

Hi there, children. Before the show starts, I would like to make a rather important (and long) Author's Note on a few things often encountered and heavily indigenous to fanfiction; not just in Hellsing, but franchises and fandoms **everywhere**. I speak, of course, of the creatures known as Mary-Sues. If you do not know what Sues are, or simply have never heard of them, then gather 'round, kids. This information could potentially spare hurt feelings. Or cause hurt feelings. Either one is cool with me.

Now, let's get one thing straight. Even though I am a rather experienced writer, I haven't been into writing FF for very long, so it wasn't until recently that I fully ascertained the definition of Mary-Sue/Marty-Sue/Harry Stu/Cherry Glue etc. etc. I had also realized that I have unwittingly encountered many, many, **many** breeds of this animal in the past. They are creatures of habit, always attacking or humping (oftentimes both) the specific characters they masturbate to while listening to shitty music like Evanescence or Linkin Park. They barf sunshine and fart sparkles and, for some reason, they know everything about the object of their twisted obsession. Just as strange, said object and everyone else around her just fucking **adores her.** In every instance, the stalker has a mysterious past and traumatically murdered parents (oh noes!) and many can also kill an army of zombies blindfolded. In a miniskirt. With cat ears. What they just don't understand is that in creating a fantasy reality where they actually matter, they have created a vacuum of disgust and hatred from innocent readers. Just try to remember to hate the Sue, not the Suethor, unless if she's a complete bitch. Then you can hate the Suethor.

Know that there is a very broad spectrum of sues, and that last paragraph loosely covers the concept. I will go into different types as the story progresses, so lets move on to self-inserts. While I generally like the idea, and have been tempted to write serious SI stories in the past, I realized that a sizable portion of fic authors have completely **fucked it all up.** I won't go into very great detail though, as the majority of self-inserted characters fall under the Sue category. If it isn't totally obvious already, a lot of Sues are, in fact, not so subtle self-inserts despite whether or not the suethor is willing to admit it. I'm not naming any names or characters here, (Except for Roraku the Demon-Slut) so don't get all butthurt over spilled fucking milk. I'm doing this so hopefully some of you will be able to avoid painful writing cliches in the future. One thing that I have learned in my writing career is that constructive criticism is a pleasure spiked with pain. If you ever want to get better, expect to get a little hurt.

The point is, reality is a harsh bullet to bite, and I think it's about time for me to jump in and take these bitches to an all-you-can-eat buffet. Like Golden Corral. God, I love that place.

Also, I wanna throw up some props to MetropolisKid and Azure Zangetsu for some kick ass writing. If you haven't heard of them, you haven't read some of the best of the best Hellsing fiction. I would also recommend Blacksand1, but as things currently stand, she put my balls in a pair of vice-grips for whatever fucking reason. If you're reading this Sandy, **just what the fuck did I do, anyway?**

Sigh. I don't get fangirls. Or PMS. Enjoy the show. -BtR

* * *

**Somewhere near Amsterdam, 4:20 AM**

Small, peaceful, quiet, uneventful. These are the words that would have been used to describe the tranquil town of Bongwater, N. Holland; a neutral town of friendly origins discreetly nuzzled somewhere in the Netherlands. Of course, this is what _would have been_ used to describe it. As of 12 hours prior, the once happy settlement had become a hellish deathtrap from which no one had escaped. The population had all but been slaughtered and drained like livestock and converted into shuffling, rotted corpses. Several vampires ran rampant throughout the streets, cackling madly and taking potshots at some of the mindless shufflers for fun. One of the innumerable ghouls slowly turned his head towards the direction of the belligerent laughter erupting from the group of young bloodsuckers that had converted him into the putrid state he is in now barely three hours ago, only to have the top half of his cranium blown clean off by a hollow point at a good 50 yards. The mostly-decapitated corpse just slumped to the ground.

"KABOOM, BITCH! Hahaha! Oh my God, that shit was epic! Please tell me you saw that shot!" The young vamp in the tan Carhartt jacket holding the smoking handgun addressed his taller, less amused looking friend.

"Yes, I saw it. I also happened to notice the** last twenty **Goddamn 'epic shots' you've made. We are here for a reason, Spade. Quit jacking around." The shorter vampire looked back at the obvious leader of the group, clad in a blue sweatshirt, as if he were retarded.

"Reason? Are you shitting me? Take a look around you, Garret! Our reason is to steal booze and smokes from a bunch of stoner fucks! Pull that stick out of your ass and have a little fun!" Spade loaded another clip into his Glock 36 with a manic grin.

"The reason we are here..." He paused for emphasis. "...Is to **feed**. You know the others get too antsy to even shoot straight when they haven't had any blood to drink or cigarettes to smoke."

"Amen to that." As if on cue, he stuck a cig in his mouth and lit it, seemingly ignoring everything Garret just said, much to his annoyance. He took off his sunglasses and rubbed the bridge of his nose.

"No more alcohol for the rest of the night. We can't afford having you fuck everything up just because you used to be a frat boy." The two continued to walk down the main road completely surrounded by the ghouls they had created.

"Oh come on! You know I'm a better shot when I'm drunk! Remember that badass headshot I made when-"

"You're a better shot when you're tipsy." He cut off. "There's a difference. When you're drunk, you piss everywhere and make way too much noise."

"**Fine**. But I still think you should at least try to be less of a buzzkill. I mean, if the others were as high-strung as you, we would have, like, no morale! No venom! That's what makes us unique, we live to raid and we raid to live!" Garret let a rare smile creep out.

"Hm. True. But if we were any less organized, our group would fall into anarchy. That is why it is sometimes necessary for someone to play the 'buzzkill.'" He noticed that, for once, Spade seemed to be digesting something he said.

"...Speaking of which, where exactly are the others?" He crossed his arms and tried to use his senses to pinpoint his allies' locations, but found it quite difficult with the air so thick with the stench of decay and blood.

"Uhhhhhh... I think Jeff is down by the movie store... Nel said something about the jewelry store a few streets down, the twins are probably fuckin' around near the bakery, and I have absolutely no clue where the hell Kayo is." Spade scratched the side of his face trying to remember the confusing tangle of a conversation he and his comrades held prior to the mission.

"It's a small town. I'm sure we can round everyone up within the next hour or so. Let's head down to the-" He stopped dead in his tracks and sniffed the air a few times.

"What? Someone fart?" Garret ignored his idiotic comment.

"...Someone's still alive."

"What?"

"A human. I can smell it." Spades face instantly lit up.

"Hell yes! Lets go kill that biyatch!"

"That's the thing. I can smell 'em, but I don't know where he is." They both paused for a second.

"...Alright! Hide and seek! This is gonna be fun..." Garret let out a long pained sigh, adjusting his sunglasses as he did so. Spade stalked around with his gun at the ready, sniffing the air as his beady yellow eyes darted back and forth.

* * *

**South of Bongwater, forest outskirts**

A pair of shimmering crimson dots cut through the murky darkness that enveloped the forest. Slowly but surely, the shadows surrounding the forlorn lights twisted and contracted, forming an ominous human shape. He grinned as he looked down upon the small town in the distance; small enough to be obscure, but big enough to make a significant impact if it were overrun. The tall Victorian Nosferatu looked down upon the pitifully defeated town as if judging its fate. He was snapped out of his observation when a static crackling emitted from a small transceiver hidden discreetly in his ear.

-krtzzzt- "Alucard, can you hear me?"

"Loud and clear, master."

"Good, looks like the field testing for the new transmitter equipment was a success. What is your status?"

"I'm about half a klick south of the town, yet to have engaged any hostiles. By the looks of the place, the targets have already had their little 'fun' with the local populace..." He trailed off, making it seem as though he was continuing his report, when he really wanted to slip in a question.

"By the way... you never did tell me why you allowed me to travel so far outside of Britain. What's the occasion?" The words rolled off of his tongue as he smiled coyly, a habit he had gotten quite used to in her company.

"With the current outbreak of supernatural riots in the area, local military forces are stretched thin as it is. The regional government has offered to pay rather generously for our assistance, and frankly, we need the money."

"Does this mean that when I finish this mission, I can finally have that Hi-Def flatscreen I've been wanting for my coffin?"

"...We'll talk about it when you get back." she deadpanned, obviously tired of the nightwalker's antics. Before she could continue, he chimed in again.

"Are you sure you're comfortable with me being so far from the Kingdom? If anyone attacks the mansion, I won't be around to be your knight in shining armor." He said his last sentence playfully, but his master decided against a verbal lashing since his statement showed genuine concern for her safety.

"I'll live. Besides, Walter and the police girl have been keeping a constant eye out for anything suspicious since you left. If you ask me, I think they kind of miss you."

"I feel so loved." His smirk then turned into a wide grin. "...Do you miss me?"

"Enough fooling around, servant. What can you tell me about the status of the town itself?" Alucard could hear the distinct lighting of a cigar over the transmitter following her question.

"Completely overrun. I'm sensing well over a hundred, maybe two hundred ghouls and several low-level vampires scattered throughout. My guess is another bunch of teenage jackasses that think it's fun to murder innocent people."

"I see. I take it I don't have to ask about survivors?" She said with a certain grimness to her tone. After such a long time of service in her line of work, she learned the hard way that chances of finding survivors in these kinds of conditions were slim to none, at best. As he opened his mouth to reply, her mention of the subject had snapped his third eye onto a single target. His face changed from slightly amused to slightly confused... and amused. His pause warranted slight concern from his master as a few seconds passed.

"...Alucard, are you there?" He took one last second to make sure his senses weren't fooling around with him. They had a habit of doing that when he was giddy with the prospect of bloodshed.

"Scratch what I said about the population... It looks like one of the humans managed to survive. Just one."

"You're certain? Just one survivor?" To him, she almost sounded like she didn't believe him.

"Confirmed. I can feel it plain as day now, though I'm not sure how much longer that's going to last for. I think the targets may be aware of his presence."

"A single outbreak survivor... The only other instance like that on record is the Cheddar incident involving Victoria." She paused as she assessed the situation. Even though dealing with mass murder was just another part of her job, the thought that she could save at least one innocent life in an otherwise hopeless situation lifted her spirits.

"Hmmm... A firsthand report from a neutral third party could be extremely beneficial for the record of this mission..."

"Hm? What's this now?" Alucard said in an amused tone.

"What? What is it?"

"It looks like our little friend's cover just got blown." He began marching forward, coffin slung over his shoulder as he felt two conflicting life forces spike violently. The scuffle had lasted all but ten seconds before the vampire's aura spasmed, dimmed, and was subsequently snuffed out like a candle. Alucard couldn't help but burst into laughter.

"Gahahahahaha! Oh, this one's got some fight in him!"

"What just happened?"

"I just lost one more pincushion to sink my fangs into, that's what happened... Though this recent turn of events did confirm my suspicions that this group of so-called vampires are barely even worthy of washing my blessed bullets with their putrid blood."

"Alright then, that settles it. You have new orders, Alucard: In addition to the clean sweep, I want you to get that survivor out of there alive and have them prepped for evac come noon; not only could their testimony prove invaluable for our case report, they could potentially have access to other information regarding the attackers, or possibly other supernatural activities in the area."

"And just why would you assume that?"

"If the dodgy git managed to put down one of the vampires that had a hand in the town's destruction, I am forced to assume he or she has at least basic knowledge of vampires and their weaknesses. Regardless, your orders are to keep that human alive to the best of your abilities while cleansing the town of any and all undead."

"Master, you know no human being is going to be able to keep up with me. How do I know this new priority of ours isn't just going to slow me down and get in the way?"

"Alucard, every second you spend prattling on about nonsense is just one more nail in that poor bastard's coffin. You have your orders, and now you will follow them. Do I make myself clear?"

"...Crystal."

"Very good. I will contact you again once the chopper is preparing for takeoff. Over and out." He let the silence sit briefly before he resumed his march with a scoff.

"Ballbuster..." he shifted his coffin onto his other shoulder as he cracked his neck.

"...You forgot to press the cut-communications button, you bloody moron." The No-Life King immediately halted his march.

"And if your performance is anything less than stellar on this mission, I'll personally show you just how much of a 'ballbuster' I can be with the silver ashtray on my desk." Alucard sighed sharply as he rubbed his eyes underneath his opaque shades.

"Master, how do I turn this fucking thing off?"

* * *

And there you are. Let me know if you like it or not, I'm open to all forms of criticism, or at least I don't whine like a bitch when someone has something negative to say about my work. Needless to say, this is just the setup so expect plenty more sue-satire, gore, drugs, nudity and other such things you crazy kids like in the next chapters. Just remember: if you take any of this story too seriously, you are retarded.

As MetropolisKid would say, have a good day and God bless. (That shit's kinda contagious)


	2. Of Jackals and Jackasses

Well, well, well. Look who came crawling back. Heh, just kidding. Sort of.

Anyway, It's time I delivered on what you all came to see. I hope you're ready for this shit, 'cause I just switched the setting on this story from 'stun' to **genocide**.

Also, I like to randomly throw in a bunch of references to other shows, music, and games. See if you can spot them all! And if you can't, then you **fucking suck**. Enjoy!

* * *

Alucard stalked the dark streets, ebony and ivory death-dealers poised and at the ready. A rather inconspicuous trail of mutilated bodies followed his every move as he looked over the various buildings the town had to offer. That's when his sights fell upon the movie store. He looked at it briefly. Then back at the direction he was headed. Then back at the movie store. He smiled.

"Eeeeeehhhhh, he'll probably be fine if I just take a short detour. Besides, I'm the only guy at the entire compound who hasn't seen Jackass 2 yet." He began mumbling to himself, as if to give himself a reason for temporarily abandoning his target.

"I swear to God, it's like those guys cheat death more often than I do!" The double doors made a gentle 'ding' as they slid open, the vampire holstered his weapons temporarily as he looked around the store for basically what would consist of his free time between missions. Screwing with Master and the Police Girl is always fun and all, but there are only so many objects in the bathroom a woman can throw at you before it starts to get boring.

"Knoxville on a giant rocket? Are you kidding me?! There is no fucking way I can miss that! If anything, I'm probably doing the guy a favor! Nothing mends a perforated torso like watching a bunch of alcoholics riding tricycles off of the Golden Gate bridge with jumper cables hooked on their dicks or whatever the hell it is they're doing in this mov-huh?" Alucard stopped right in the middle of the anime section, raising an eyebrow as his extremely confused stare rested upon a copy of _'Hellsing OVA IV'_. Suddenly, as if a bright light had shone from the heavens, an object made it's presence known to him out of the corner of his third eye. A force comparable only to his debilitating sunflower seed addiction, Alucard had spotted a **gumball machine**.

He marched brainlessly over to the contraption, a soulless expression painting his face rivaling that of The Captain's. He reached out to it, mindlessly expecting the delightful sensation of so many balls in his hands, when his fantasy was cut short and thoroughly snapped back into reality by the Plexiglas antagonist that halted his march. He looked down upon the wretched device, tantalizing him with the prospect of a delightful taste sensation only to spit in his face with a transparent barrier. His gaze drifted lower, as the machine made it clear that it was unaffected by his death glare. His sights fell upon the silver coin slot.

"Demanding monetary gain in exchange for processed tree sap... from me?! Truly, you are no better than the humans, device."

_I cannot help it. I was created to vend such goods in exchange for currency. The coins themselves mean nothing to me, but the people who have invested in my services rely on me to fulfill my duty._

"That may be, but your former masters are now mere shells of what they once were. They are dead now, you see. And they will be even deader once I am finished here. You have no reason to withhold that which I desire."

_True. Your words reflect your wisdom, flesh creature. Unfortunately, as I am an inanimate object and thus, do not possess cognitive thought, I cannot act on my own. In fact, you are so unbelievably insane that you truly believe yourself to be having a conversation with a gumball machine. Just what the fuck is wrong with you, anyway?_

"Everything." He grinned madly at the machine, fumbling in his coat pockets for some loose change. After thoroughly checking his wallet, bottom pockets, front pockets, back pockets, shoes, the floor, Phobos, lower hell, grandma's house, Rip van Winkle's panty drawer, then finally his hat, he found what he was looking for.

"Ah! Here we are. Excuse me, machine. Do you take... **SILVER!?**" He jammed the cold barrel of the Casull into the machine's transparent dome, and subsequently decapitated it with one smooth squeeze of the trigger. Scorched and untouched gumballs alike spilled violently from it's head as the vampire observed his bittersweet victory. The machine did not topple over; it still stood upright, albeit missing the top of it's circular head. As Alucard bent over to retrieve the spoils of his kill, the gumball dispenser uttered it's last words.

_A... Alucard... We are not tools of the government... or anyone else... All my life I have vended gumballs... Vending was the-COUGH-the... only thing I was ever good at... But at least... I always vended for what I believed in... Alucard... consume my balls... please -COUGH- ...allow me to vend in the afterlife......-HACK-......Farewell._

Alucard threw his fists into the air.

"GUUUUUUUUUUUMBAAAAAAAAALL MAAAAAAAAAAAAACHIIIIIIIIIINE!!!" He stood statue still for several moments, fists in the air as if cursing the Heavens. After 42.07 seconds, he dropped his hands to his sides, turned around and popped a few gumballs in his mouth as he approached the comedy aisle. After grabbing the Xavier: Renegade Angel DVD box set, Beerfest, Clerks 2, The Zohan movie and Pineapple Express, he noticed a DVD compilation of Dane Cook stand-up acts.

"What luck! A Dane Cook CD! The Police Girl loves that guy!" He picked up the CD box, took out the disc, looked it over momentarily, then dropped it flat on the floor.

"Whooooops. Now it's all dirty. I know! I'll clean it off!" Alucard smirked as he unbuckled his belt, unzipped his pants, and took aim at the shiny bottom of the disc that was currently facing upwards. He cackled madly as he cleansed the despicable comic's act with a mighty stream of vampire piss. As the waterfall weakened, he shook the final remnants of his personal condemnation onto the urine-soaked circle. After re-buckling his pants, he carefully picked the disc up by the edges, clipped it back in the box, and placed it in one of his bottomless pockets with the rest of the movies.

"This'll show bazooka-tits what I think about her sense of humor." Since he was completely swept up in the adrenaline of the moment, he had temporarily forgotten the reason why he had come in the store in the first place. That's when his almighty vampire brain came up with another 'brilliant' idea.

"Ah, while I'm here, I should deliver on my annual tradition of sending Judas Priest thoughtful gifts under different names and addresses. But what...? Hmmmmm... whatever it is, it has to be more heartfelt than last Christmas when I had Victoria gift-wrap and send him that beautifully decorated box I took a massive dump in." He wandered around the store, fruitlessly searching for an appropriate movie until he came across a beaded door that lead to quite a different section of the store. He pushed the semi-transparent beaded barrier out of his way as he stepped into this new mysterious area. A huge grin crept to his face once more as he quickly realized just where he was standing. Dim red lights, _Footsteps in the Dark_ by The Isley Brothers playing gently over the speakers, and a strange yet familiar scent wafting through the air that he wasn't all too fond of. Yep, as if the three large X's above the doorway weren't enough of a clue, the No-Life King had just stepped through the threshold of **Pornoland**. He was so ecstatic, he didn't even notice the man that had stepped out of the storeroom, face covered in blood.

Alucard skipped gleefully from aisle to aisle, singing (or butchering, depending on your musical tastes) along with the song that had seized the air, gently caressing the atmosphere with soft beats and smooth vocals. He was tempted to browse around for personal entertainment, but decided he should get what he came for and leave quick, lest he wished his vampire nutsac to be repeatedly caved in by a five-pound silver ashtray. He made a quick turn into the next aisle, one reserved for those with 'selective tastes', to say the least. Alucard marched on through the gay aisle, running over box covers quickly and efficiently for the most disgusting, obscene thing he could possibly find. Even for the mighty king of vampires this task was proving to be rather taxing, but he soldiered on, knowing it was going toward a worthy cause.

After what had seemed like an eternity, he found himself standing near the end of the aisle, staring at a single movie. It almost seemed to call out to him, and given his track record of talking to inanimate objects, it probably was. He was face to face with a copy of _Ass Pirates of the Caribbean 4, Plunderin' yer Booty_. 'It's... **it's** **perfect**.' he thought to himself as he blew a bubble. He seized the movie and almost immediately high-tailed it out of the room, stopping only for a second to tap his foot and hum to the end of the song.

Alucard was now back at the double-doors, as he had already snagged the box of the real Pirates of the Caribbean 2, to deceptively house the dirty disc. His hand was raised to push the doors open when he suddenly remembered the whole reason he was here in the first place. He facepalmed and muttered 'forgive me, Steve-O' under his breath. He weaved back into the comedy aisle, skimming through and ignoring all other promising titles. He really had wasted far too much time here talking to a gumball machine and looking for gay porn.

Barely even three seconds had passed and already, he was now face to face with his precious Jackass, though it was not specifically what he had in mind. Al was looking at_ Jackass 2.5_, which he could only assume meant that it was 20% more outrageous than the last. Then again, he was never exactly the star math student. Regardless, he reached out to grab it when another hand simultaneously gripped the box.

The two men stood still for moments, staring each other in the eyes with their hands still on the box. Alucard was looking at a man in a green hoodie and backwards baseball cap, brown hair pulled back and reaching just past the shoulders; nothing too special, save maybe for the fangs and blood covered face. The tension seemed to be reaching a breaking point when, finally, the new guy pushed the box towards Alucard.

"My apologies, sir. You were clearly reaching for this before I was." Al looked back down, frowned slightly, and pushed the box back towards green-coat.

"No no, you obviously wanted it much more than I did. You take it." Now Jeff was looking down at the box in his chest, unhappily. He pushed the movie back towards the strange red guy he was looking at.

"No, I can't, I'd feel bad. It's yours. Really." The gestures of unwanted kindness had quickly evolved into a game of Jackass pong.

"You were obviously here first! I didn't even really want to see it anyway!"

"I already have to carry some things back to my house, you'd be doing me a favor! Seriously!" The two men were now glaring daggers at eachother.

"...Take. The fucking. Movie. **Now**." Faster than the eye could register, Alucard had forcefully pressed the Jackal's barrel against Jeff's eye.

"I'll send you home with that goddamn box up your ass if I have to!" Just as fast, Alucard found the muzzle of a Tech 9 shoved into the side of his face. They stood statue still, unflinching gazes studying their respective rivals. In perfect unison, they both let go of the box; it almost seemed as though it was falling in slow motion. At the exact millisecond the plastic hit the cold tile, bullets were heard flying from both guns.

Jeff vaulted backwards over the aisle behind him, barely dodging his enemies bullets and laying down a suppressing fire from Alucard's weapon. The red vampire perforated the long movie stand with his ebony handgun, using his third eye to peer behind the aisle and notice his overly-polite enemy fiddling with something in his coat. Before he could react, Jeff tossed the object over the barrier and just as he heard the distinctive _'TING'_ it made as it bounced off of the ground, Alucard grinned madly as he realized he was about to french kiss a fragmentation grenade. In no less than a second, Jeff jumped into a tuck 'n roll and covered his ears with both hands as the deafening **BOOM** roared through the store. Innumerable chunks of debris and dirt as well as grotesquely mangled body parts rained down from the destruction. He opened his eyes just in time to witness a pulsating chunk of Alucard's torso hit the ground with an unflattering _'splat'_.

Jeff stood back up, waving away the smoke in his face. He stepped through the massive gap in the aisle caused by his antics, obviously to make sure his little green partner finished the job. As he stepped into the charred circle of death, he came face to face with what was once the body of his enemy; barely recognizable by the fact that both of his legs were still attached if fairly damaged... not so much the arms, head, and left half of his chest though. Bleeding organs spilled from the wide-open chest and stomach cavity, roughly filtered through a mangled ribcage and sternum. Needless to say, there was no point in checking for a pulse. Jeff smiled and chuckled as he threw his arms into a shrugging gesture.

"Should've just accepted the fuckin' gesture of kindness. Now you look like you just got done sucking at Gears of War." Just as he was turning to leave the store, he looked down to find something extremely odd. Sitting in front of the body was the movie box, completely unharmed and un-destroyed. Jeff let out a 'Bwwwhhhaaat?' and immediately picked it up, scanning over the whole box, front and back. Not a single scratch. He opened it and looked inside to see the DVD, sitting there all inconspicuous-like.

"Huh. Whelp, can't argue with results like that, I guess!" he said with a smile. Right as soon as he went to close the box though, a huge red eye suddenly opened from the middle of the disc. He dropped the box with a short high-pitched shriek and pulled his SMG out out of its holster, aiming at the freaky eye staring at him. Before he was even able to pull the trigger, he heard a loud ringing and felt a searing pain shoot through his arm. Jeff quickly found that his gun arm had been forcefully disconnected at the elbow by a modified silver .454 caliber round. He ignored the profusely gushing crimson waterfall in favor of the mutilated assailant (who had somehow managed to reconnect his right arm) that was standing in front of, and despite missing a lot of body tissue, still towering over him. The dismembered arm hit the ground and, ironically enough, that is exactly when the red vampire decided to regrow his. Along with his arm came that dear chunk of torso that Alucard was so fond of, but for the sake of terrorizing the poor jerk that was close to pissing himself already, he held off on regenerating his head. It was already pretty clear he didn't even need it, anyway.

As the headless body stalked ever closer to the young, horribly outclassed vampire, his disembodied voice cackled like a bloodthirsty Hyena, raising his gun and aiming for his neck. Jeff pivoted on his heel and dashed through the massive hole in the aisle that he had created, jumping over the checkout counter and making his way straight for the front doors, not even wasting a second to ask any questions. He was at the home stretch, mere feet away from the door, arm raised to push them out of the way when his gaze suddenly met the cold hard floor, legs flailing in midair because they had just been dismembered at the knees with surgical accuracy. The burning agony that usually accompanies bullet wounds registered with his brain the second his face smashed against the tile; he was running so fast when his legs were shot off that he didn't even feel the pain until his body collided with the floor.

Jeff laid in a broken, beaten heap of pain with only one limb left to his name. He struggled just to lift his head so he could see where he was running... outside. Something he would now assuredly never see again. He heard footsteps approaching closer and, knowing oblivion was at hand, used all of his remaining strength to prop himself up on his back so he could face his death like a man. He slipped on his own gushing blood more than once, awkwardly trying to position himself so he could face his nemesis. As he struggled to flip over, flopping around like a wounded seal in the wake of a killer whale, the footsteps stopped and Alucard's voice was heard once again.

"Funny thing you should try to lecture me on kindness, when you couldn't even follow your own advice. If you had just accepted the damn movie in the first place I could have just shot you in the back of the head and sped things up for both of us. Either way, you were never going to leave this store." Al smiled broadly, showing off the pearly-white daggers in his wide maw. Jeff struggled to choke out his last words, trying to make his death as meaningful as possible.

"L-listen... uh, Vash, we're not tools of the government... or anyone el-"

"Already heard it from a gumball machine." cue bored expression.

"Aw, shit! Well then, uh... um... Boppa booey boppa booey! Howard Stern's penis! Boppa boo-"**CRASH!**

The young vampire's entire upper torso had instantly been flattened into a messy, outward red splatter that more resembled a smashed crate of tomatoes than a human body. The cause of his inevitable deletion was the large, ominously glowing gumball machine that seemingly fell from the heavens. The demonic candy dispenser turned it's head (somehow) to it's master and chuckled darkly.

_Huhuhuhmmm. Cleanup on aisle six._

"Nice work. You will make an absolutely splendid addition to the forces of hell... I really was getting way too many complaints that there weren't enough vending machines in the dark army."

_Well, you're about to get a few more complaints because evil gumballs are expensive as hell. Hm. Quite the pun. Anyway, it goes without say that you are fully entitled to freebies._

"If I were an idiot, wannabe wapanese, or just plain gay, this would be the part where I say 'squee.'" He held out his hand so the miniature orbs of delicious evil would fall into his grasp and promptly experience the chewing of a lifetime.

_Yes, enjoy the taste of my balls, sire. Grab them as though you were-  
_

"We already have two ball jokes, we've met our quota for this chapter, servant."

_Ah yes, my apologies. It is rather easy to get carried away in my line of work. Would this be where we continue with our mission? _Alucard momentarily savored the jubilant feeling that accompanies the first bite of spectral chewing gum.

"Yes, but first..."

_...Yes?_

"Who the fuck is Vash?"

_Hm. I'm afraid you're asking the wrong gum dispenser. Perhaps someone back at the mansion will know. Shall we now proceed with saving the quote unquote 'poor bastard' that Integra mentioned?_

-_chew_- "Yeah, this place is starting to bore me. Unless there's a Piggly Wiggly anywhere around here, we aren't making anymore stops." And with that, the dark machine vanished in a cloud of twisted shadows and Alucard (finally) resumed his mission.

* * *

Reviews: Hit me hard, hit me fast. And by review, I mean constructively criticize, not piss and moan about how much I offended you, FAGGOT. But for everyone else who read and genuinely enjoyed, I hope it was as much fun to read as it was to write. Next chapter, does our hero find the survivor? Hell, I don't know. I haven't written it yet.

Video Highlights: Millenium is on a boat. Since this fagtastic website won't let me put the URL down, you'll have to jump to my profile for the link. For additional lulz, watch the Jizz in my Pants AMV in the side bar. Classic.


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